”Am I the bad friend?”

Recently, I had this thought. I’m always so busy with either the fire department, work, or church that I try not to have time on my hands. I almost always postpone time with friends. I have been hurt in the past and my thoughts are trapping me from growing into friendships and relationships. Do I want to be hurt again? Do I want to put into this friendship/relationship and it be something I won’t allow to grow, cause of pain?

-Caitlin

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My heart is heavy this evening…

I really don’t know what to think right now. My heart is heavy. How does one go from point A to B? When they have known the truth their whole life? How does one say “religion” isn’t for me? That hurts me so. Why do people harm themselves? I used to. It’s in the past. I am proof there is hope! There is hope!! I’m always here 24/7/365 (and on leap years it’s 366!)!

Dear 16 year old me,

Hello again. It’s been soon to be seven years! Why did you self harm again!? It’s not good to do that. It doesn’t feel good, and all you’ll have left is scars, physical and mental. Just hold tight. You can and will. One day soon you’ll meet some amazing people! They really are amazing, but you do get hurt later. You hurt them too. Why did you overthink so much? It just makes you look weak. You are stronger than you realize. Really. Don’t think too much. You’re gonna become a wonderful beautiful person. Just hold tight. Trust Jesus. He’s there. Always. Hold tight. You got this. Keep marching to the beat of your drum.

Love soon to be 23

I apologize..

I apologize for not keeping my word on posting often. My family has been struggling with strongholds recently, and I’ve had to step up to the plate. Also, I’ve tried not to be negative. Despite everything, I can’t praise God enough for the community of people He’s given me. I can’t praise Him enough. I can’t love Him enough. I can’t talk to Him enough. I’m inadequate. But still He’s becoming my all, through my fears and failures! -Caitlin

“Jesus loves you, Caitlin”

Wait, what?! Recently, as in two or three months recently, a friend said that to me. I’m used to saying that to others, but me? Receiving those four words made me feel angry (and depressed) towards the friend. Why? Because I don’t wanna receive anyone’s love. I thought I already knew Jesus loved me. Did I?

No. I. Did. Not. I was thinking Jesus loved me, because of me doing this or that. Conditional type love. I never understood why, but He just loves me (& you!).

Recently when I heard the friend say it to someone else, I was took back, and remember you know, Jesus loves me the nursery rhyme? Then I was thinking God, the Father Abba, loves me despite what I do to bring Him glory. He just loves me, even if I fail Him in the little things, & even if I get tripped up. Even with free will to serve Him above all else, I want to love Him more every moment of every day.

Just know Jesus loves you back! Unconditionally that is!!

Yours truly, Caitlin

Friday the 13th

Today is July thirteenth of twenty eighteen. Last night I didn’t rest well. My mom, who is legally blind (without contacts or glasses) kept coming to my room (next to the bathroom) to go to the bathroom. I didn’t sleep much. I’m pretty frustrated with a situation that has overtaken her! I plead the BLOOD!! Devil you have no control in Jesus name over my family!!! Just honestly it’ll be okay in time, but I am not dealing with it! God is!! But I’m not gonna wait! I’m not satisfied!!

Hope..

Well, I’m new on joining this website. So bare with me 😂I am not sure how to say much, but a friend told me that I should share my story. It’s different for me to open up and just share. But we’ll get to my story later on. I’m not the same person as I was a year ago. I’ve changed in small ways, but know I’m growing as a person. I know that I fight my own mind, but who doesn’t? I know God is still God and He’s on the throne. He carried me so much. I just can’t thank Him enough! A little bit back, like a little over a year I guess, I got a tattoo. Hope. People ask me, “why does it have a i in it?” I used to self harm quite a lot when I was younger, it built and built until I couldn’t really control it. In middle school, I finally I opened up to a friend and asked them to not share it with anyone. He did not, but in high school is when God placed someone in my life to help me, I believe. This person helped the inside of me (my problems and thoughts) and so much more. I’m thankful for it. Finally after three years down the road, I was clean. I was constantly hearing a song down the road from tenth avenue north, saying, “I have this hope..” Hope. This wasn’t my first tattoo. It’s a semi colon. I knew that the semi colon was gonna have to be there. I thought about it for a good while. The opted to get it one day, I remember not feeling hopeful, yet I went anyway… (if you see it as a i, then “I hope”)There is hope. Trust me. You’ll be okay. You’ll continue on. You’ll tell your story. You’ll be able to love. All your insecurities will become better. It can only get better from this! Sing your song again!Yours sincerely,Caitlin