08/04/2019

Today has been a little better than the past few days. I’ve been trying to be busy, but that doesn’t always help. Today I had to use a grounding technique. If you don’t know what that is, it’s list 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, and so forth. It helps you be aware of your surroundings and whatnot. I was taught this by a therapist. Until next time..

-Caitlin

… I’m speechless

There’s been a heaviness more so on us recently. It really bothers me. I can feel it, but it really is messing with my sleep schedule. I have nightmares and can’t sleep. I try to play it off as I’m fine. But I know I’m not. I pull away from those I love most, the friendships I cherish, and I overthink things like death. I don’t mean to, but this to me is getting ridiculous. I used to be so involved in church and with my friends. I stayed so busy. Now I sleep through church and get asked if I worked Sunday. I don’t lie. I just say I fell back asleep. I need help.

-Caitlin

This picture

This is a picture about ten years old. I was in seventh grade. My family was kinda going through the hard time. My dad lost his job, my mom doesn’t work, my brothers and I were surviving life the best we knew how. It was Christmas. It was around the time I began having problems with anxiety and depression. I don’t remember much of that year, but I do remember this Christmas morning. We had many gifts and celebrated well, because of a church in the town just north of us bought us gifts. They gave us the love of Jesus. Because they fed us when we were hungry. Because they lifted our family up in prayer when my dad lost his job. Because they prayed with us. They were loving and kind. I’m thankful for them showing Jesus despite how our circumstances. Thank you for the impact. Little do you know, you shown me Jesus through the family’s hard time.

”Am I the bad friend?”

Recently, I had this thought. I’m always so busy with either the fire department, work, or church that I try not to have time on my hands. I almost always postpone time with friends. I have been hurt in the past and my thoughts are trapping me from growing into friendships and relationships. Do I want to be hurt again? Do I want to put into this friendship/relationship and it be something I won’t allow to grow, cause of pain?

-Caitlin

My heart is heavy this evening…

I really don’t know what to think right now. My heart is heavy. How does one go from point A to B? When they have known the truth their whole life? How does one say “religion” isn’t for me? That hurts me so. Why do people harm themselves? I used to. It’s in the past. I am proof there is hope! There is hope!! I’m always here 24/7/365 (and on leap years it’s 366!)!

Dear 16 year old me,

Hello again. It’s been soon to be seven years! Why did you self harm again!? It’s not good to do that. It doesn’t feel good, and all you’ll have left is scars, physical and mental. Just hold tight. You can and will. One day soon you’ll meet some amazing people! They really are amazing, but you do get hurt later. You hurt them too. Why did you overthink so much? It just makes you look weak. You are stronger than you realize. Really. Don’t think too much. You’re gonna become a wonderful beautiful person. Just hold tight. Trust Jesus. He’s there. Always. Hold tight. You got this. Keep marching to the beat of your drum.

Love soon to be 23